Stories of dating and relationships for the curious. Each story is a mix of fact and some fiction to protect identities.
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Status: Single
Longest relationship: 3 consecutive months or the on-and-off (mostly off) friend with benefits throughout college
Occupation: Public servant
How do you find dates?
I’ve been on almost every free online dating website and app you can name. I’ve answered the 800 compatibility questions. Twice. I’ve expanded my age range and location range to the point I’m apparently open to dating a 60-year-old who resides three states over.
I follow relationship “experts” on social media. I’ve asked friends take photos of me specifically to post on my profiles wearing the outfits and colors those relationship experts claim will show men I’m open.
Getting a first date isn’t that difficult. I’ll match with someone, we exchange a quick round of banter, and then we meet for coffee or ice cream or frozen yogurt. It’s the next part I can never quite close.
What’s considered a good first date?
After years (literally) of flat first dates, even after a rousing exchange of witty texts, I gave up on expecting a spark during a first date. Don’t misunderstand–the conversations usually aren’t bad. Many are actually interesting, and the men often look somewhat like their photos. There just isn’t instant chemistry. By the time I finish my dairy or caffeine, I often feel like I’m getting to know a new colleague at work. Pleasant and platonic.
With that history, I’ll say yes to second dates whenever asked. I believe that intimacy can grow. I just haven’t been asked on many.
Any pre-date rituals?
At one point, I wondered if my problem was my pre-dating routine. Once we set a date, time, and location, I do what every modern millennial does – I googled him. I want to find out what might be lurking on the public interwebs. Does he have a collection of shirtless mirror selfies he just happened to leave off his profile? Does he volunteer at a local charity? Is he from a loaded family?
Most of the time, I find a LinkedIn account. This information also morphs my opinion of him before our first meet. He can go from a fun-loving, world traveler to a local accountant who probably took his last real vacation during a spring break in college. Not a dealbreaker, but not exactly riveting.
Best/worst date?
During one late night swipe session, I matched with R. He looked my typical type. Average height, average weight, brown eyes, brown hair. 30s. Employed. Never married. No kids. And he was quick to the draw. As soon as we matched, he messaged me. It was easy. “Hi,” he wrote at nearly midnight on a work night. A night owl like me. Nothing pretentious, too flirty, or overt.
We chatted briefly about things in our profile photos. Dogs, hobbies, food. Before I knew it, 1:00am rolled around, and I needed to be at work by 8:00. He suggested dinner after work; I made it drinks. With the quick turnaround from matching to messaging to meeting, I didn’t follow through on my typical pre-date online searching.
Drinks turned into dinner turned into an evening stroll. The conversation flowed naturally, and we left planning to go out again.
I got home on a great-date high and decided I might as well google him; thinking there wouldn’t be anything new. I was dead wrong. He turned up as a registered sex offender. I messaged my lawyer friend who found some public records. It was enough to verify what I’d googled.
What happened next? Blocked him?
Not right away, and not sure why I didn’t. He’d sent me texts about meeting up again and having a great time, and I couldn’t help myself. I told him I’d searched him online and found some stuff (vaguely). He instantly knew because he wanted a chance to explain. I said no thanks, but then received a stream of texts about it being one of those “slightly” minor girlfriend and angry parents situations. Then I blocked him.
Yikes. How did it affect your dating game?
I’ve never forgotten to google ahead of a date again.